She passed away at the age of 86, She actually quite healthy, never stayed in the hospital at her young age, or adult life until close to 85 years old, recently....
It's hard for her to grasp the fresh air into her lungs, she often complained shortness of breath, yes off course us, family, her children, grandchildren brought her to doctor and she stayed in hospital for days or a week, then went home, then she complained again with the same problem again, went back to hospital again, and went home again until she passed away in her sleep at 4 AM in the morning at my first uncle home which is her first son. (She has 7 children), and many grandchildren.
What makes me even more sad is I wasn't there at the last breath of her life, because we are far apart by the distance, yes I am in Beijing, China, and She is in Jakarta, Indonesia.
She always has good reputation in my eyes, she took care of me when i was a child, likes calling me on the phone, even sometimes i feel "bothered", because she likes to remind me to take some stuff at her place, yes she does not like throw things away, she likes to given away things from someone to someone else through her hands, sometimes she remake it, recycled it, or fixed it when it needs to be fixed, then ask one of her grand kids to take it away from her place.
On January 2011, the days after I delivered my second child, within few days my ama (was 79 years old) flew from Indonesia to US (i was lived in US at that time), just to took care of me, cooked for me, and helped me with the dishes, and others. (where my mother did not do that for me), I have shared in other post that i don't have close relationship with my mother, yes we closed but not emotionally close mother-daughter relationship, if i can say that.
I have some regrets about how I treated ama, without purposely, and maybe my words, my bad actions, without fully thinking first (stupidly young girl thought) that sometimes felt annoyed, bothered by old grandma. Yes i admit, I am wrong.
When my first sister shared the news that ama has passed away on Saturday morning. That day the weather was very strange, it was snowing in Beijing, where on Winter the snow didn't even fall at all this year, and March is actually Spring season, the day before, and the day after the weather was fine and warm, only that day, March 17, 2018.
I was like on denial at first, like this could not be it. I didn't cry, well every time i have a teary eyes, i try to hold it, i just don't want to show it to my husband or kids (to not make them worried about me) but i felt empty on the inside and still...on denial, but my heart is crying.
In my eyes, she always healthy and active, yes since i left Indonesia in 2013, i don't have a chance yet to meet her again except video call or calling her on the phone. She was very healthy when i left Jakarta, no cholesterol, no sick, her "body check up" result was always great. (She was 81 years old in 2013), oh and she followed me to Beijing for the first time I ever touch down Beijing, she stayed at my house in Beijing for 10 days and went back to Jakarta after. Imagine, a grandma at the age of 81, still like to "exist" in the new chapter of my life, not even mention often came to US almost every year or two, and stayed for 6 months at her 5th children's home (my uncle is US citizen, and my mom as well), she likes to fly go back and forth between US and Indonesia alone only to see us, or even enjoy her old life.
Around 2017, my sister started telling me that she went in and out "home-hospital-home", like "old people sick", mostly because shortness of breath, I kept updated, and last two week, the last sentence from my sister was "she is fine now", until i heard the news ama is gone two days ago. :((
Ama, sorry, i cannot stay with you at your very difficult time, sorry from the bottom of my heart if i ever said something that hurt you, i did said it without any purpose, I AM SORRY.
Last but not least, the memories that you left for me from a very little thing, such as cutting "big pear" (always felt you given me a BIG cut) for me every time i came to your house, the food that you cooked and give a time to called me to pick up the authentic food that you had made with your wrinkle hand.
Ama, i did said teach me my favorite desert that you always made for me, you said "easy", go buy the ingredient, and i will teach you, but i never made it happened, sad :( because i never feel the urgency to make it right away.
Ama, the time that you made to even think about me and made a call to me, and ask me when i will come to your house to pick up your "recycle stuff". it is so hard for you to just thrown away any used stuff. I don't know either that just a reason to made me see you, or really your house full of stuff. Either way is fine for me, because that means i was in your mind.
Ama, you haven't say goodbye to me yet, but that's okay because "goodbye" is only for people who are willing to separate, and we will never, because your blood is running in my DNA, and you will always be in my heart.
Ama, I know it's too late to say it, but i would say it anyway on my blog (my private thought), I love you so much, thank you for even made me indirectly exist in this world, thank you for your love, your heart, for what you have done for me. I am very sorry if I ever hurt you, since you left me, you always in my prayer, I always pray to GOD please give you very comfortable and peaceful place, the place that very close to GOD.
And last Sunday, in my prayers at Church and at home, I did left a little note to God to please give it to you that I am so sorry for what i have said that might hurt you and not forget to say I love you very much Ama.
Ps: Until now i still keep your Whatsapp Chat on my phone, which you never reply of, that is okay because i know you are too old to even type, but your profile picture is there and i would love to keep it.
I love you, Ama,....